Candy McLellan
@candymcloveme in the stairwell of her apartment building
-Theatre-
Candy is a busy lady. On the day I interviewed her, I was racing against the clock to get to her place before she had to run to do an online reading of some plays written by students during quarantine. She had just returned to her apartment she shares with other actors, Terrence and Aly. She had been with her parents for two months.
I had been to this apartment before, which is why it made no sense I was having trouble finding it, because Candy offered to help me rehearse some choreography before a big call back I had last year. I had just asked and she of course jumped at the opportunity to help me; just like now. Because that is the kind of woman she is. I’m glad I could get 10 minutes with her and you should be, too.
Interviewed 5.23.20
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Casey: First and foremost, I know I asked you, but how are you?
Candy: I was not doing okay in the first three weeks. Now I'm in a better head space.
So I'm feeling productive. I'm feeling fresh. I was quarantined in Warner Robins for two and a half months with my parents because once everything happened, I was like, "I don't have any money. I'm going to have to go home." So I moved back home to Warner Robins and I only had to swipe my card like twice. So that was really nice. You know, parents will always take care of you. So, yeah. So now I'm in a better head space because I just moved back to Atlanta, like, two days ago.
Casey: Oh!
Candy: Yeah. So I'm here now.
Casey: That's great.
Candy: After two months I was like, "Okay, gotta go. Love y'all. So you're welcome."
Casey: That's great, your roommate saved your spot.
Candy: Well, I still had to pay rent. I still had to pay rent.
Casey: Right.
Candy: But it was just like — I wasn't spending money on extra things like food and things. So, yeah.
Casey: I know that probably quarantine with your family was hard, but how is your family?
Candy: They're great. They're healthy. They're in good spirits. They're retired so they live this life all the time, they're just home with each other. And I'm like, "How do you guys do this?"
Casey: Are they following guidelines? Like are they...
Candy: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Casey: How are they feeling about the situation as a whole?
Candy: My mom is extremely... She's very serious about everything. My dad is more lax about it. Like when he goes to the store, my mom has to really be like, "If you don't wear a fucking mask, I swear to God, you're not allowed in this house anymore." She's like, "You're older. So, like, come on." He's like, "Okay, okay." You know — older folks. So my mom and dad are on different spectrums. So that was kind of interesting because he's always like, "Get out of the house." And I'm like, "Dad, no. I'm not gonna hang out with my hometown friends."
Casey: "It could kill me right now."
Candy: Right! So, yeah. They're good, they're in good spirits.
Casey: What were you doing, especially down in Warner Robbins, but even now, what are you finding yourself doing during quarantine?
Candy: Lounging. Resting. This is the most rest I've ever gotten in my life because I'm usually doing project after project after project and I never take a break. So this is the the first time I'm able to sleep right and catch up on my TV shows. I've also been writing a web series. Me and Ibi Owolabi, we started a podcast. So I'm starting to find more creative ventures to kind of keep the passion alive a little bit.
Casey: Do you like this rest? Do you miss the the back to back to back or are you enjoying this kind of peace?
Candy: I'm enjoying it now. I really am. I'm at peace now. Yeah. I don't know. It's such a weird... It's just... I don't know... I'm skating this thin line between being freed, but also being heartbroken. Heartbreak and freedom. And it's just a weird clashy-type thing.
Casey: Yeah. No, I get it. You can be sad for the work that's not being created, but I feel like everybody deserves a break. You work a lot so I feel like if anybody deserves it, you do. So you talked about how you're creating in quarantine. I talked to Ibi the other day. I drove all the way to her house in South Fulton.
Candy: Yes.
Casey: So you are creating in quarantine. How is the motivation to create different than the motivation to create before? Is it harder to create now or was it harder for you before?
Candy: I feel like I wouldn't say necessarily harder just different because now I'm creating things that I've never created, like writing. I haven't written since college. So now I'm doing those things that I've never done versus creating was like performing and, you know, acting and things like that. I'm not really doing that. And I have like no motivation to audition for anything. So I'm sure when this is over I'm not going to have a job. I'm just like missing every deadline. So it's just different. I wouldn't say it's harder because it's a different avenue of things that I'm trying. So it's trying new things that I haven't had time to try.
Casey: Yeah, that's fair. Do you have any new things that you're discovering about yourself or new sacred habits or places either mentally or physically that you are wanting to take forward into post quarantine life?
Candy: Yeah. Weirdly enough, I've become more confident. I don't know.
Casey: I don't know how that's possible, but okay.
Candy: But yeah, that's what it is. Even when I'm always taking pictures and I just feel more beautiful than I have. And I don't know what it is, Casey. I just feel . . . I don't know, maybe it's the quarantine glow.
Casey: Yeah!
Candy: I feel confident and I've been listening to a lot of my friends' podcasts because a couple people around town have started podcasts so I've been listening. And they're all about insecurities and getting to the root of those things and it's made me do a lot of soul searching. So now I'm able to like... I was able to talk to my parents about things that I've never taught them about. Like, you know, "When I was like eight, you said this to me and it kind of stuck with me." And my mom was just like, "What?!" And I was like, "Yeah. I mean, it's not..." And she's like, "No, that's a big deal, I never..." So that was growing for me. So I feel like I've grown in that aspect in... yeah, just being able to get to the root and sit and actually think about things that happened in the past that have affected me. Things like, "Oh, how can I change this?" Or maybe, "Oh, this is good that I'm this way and now it's nice to know that I'm this way because of this thing." So, yeah.
Casey: So you'll take that forward and how will that change your everyday life? How do you think that will change your experience going back into a world where we are constantly being compared and where social media tells us all the things we should or should not do?
Candy: I feel like I'm gonna be a better artist times 20 because for one, my passion was like slowly dwindling because I was always burnt out. I was always burnt out. I was just like - it's a job, it's a job, it's a job, it's a job. So I feel like now that I miss it, I can go back with 100 percent passion to where [I was] at the beginning. I was not . . . I was teetering out a little bit. So I think we're all gonna be fire when we get back to work.
Casey: I hope so.
Candy: Right. It will either go one way or the other.
Casey: Yeah. You know, people will disappear and not work ever again. Which wouldn't... You'd be surprised.
Candy: Well, I know a lot of people being like, "I need to try looking for actual jobs or like getting a real estate license." I'm like, "What?!" I mean, no, I don't know.
Casey: Yeah. I mean, I think there's some value in discovering where fear is on your value list. Right?
Candy: Yeah.
Casey: If you're like, "Oh, I went to school for theatre and then I started doing this go, go, go, go, go, go, go." And then you had this break when you weren't doing it. You're like, "Oh my God, I'm so much happier now."
Candy: Yeah.
Casey: That's a valid thing to discover. I'm glad you're not in that boat because I think we would all be very sad to see you become a real estate agent.
Candy: I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it.
Casey: Do you think you'll go as hard as you did before? Do you think you will want to go back to contract to contract to contract to contract? Or do you think you'll take more time for yourself?
Candy: I would like to take more time for myself for sure. Definitely taking more time for myself because it feels amazing. It feels amazing to be able to breathe.
Casey: What do you think you miss the most? Obviously, you miss theatre. Obviously, you miss performing. But is there anything, I don't know, that some might consider just kind of small, not necessarily trivial to everybody, but is there anything that you're like, "Oh, my God, if I could only go to Starbucks again." Is there anything that once you're able to do it again you'll be like, "All right. I'm good. I'm back."
Candy: I honestly miss going out and dancing. I think I'd go out like every weekend. I'm one of those people who's like, "Let's go [dancing]!" I miss just getting drunk with my friends. So I missed the party, the party. Every year I throw these giant birthday bashes and now I'm already dreading it because my birthday is in like three weeks. So I'm like...
Casey: Might not happen.
Candy: And Zoom parties are just the most awkward thing I've ever been a part of. So I don't think I want a Zoom party.
Casey: Have you been seeing anybody?
Candy: Not really. My roommates, Terrence and Ali.
Casey: Oh my gosh, when is their wedding?
Candy: Well, it was with going to be in July, but now they have to postpone it until next year, next July.
Casey: Okay.
Candy: Yeah, they are kinda bummed about that. Yeah. So I've seen them. Caroline (Caldwell) and Jasmine Thomas, they live just right there. I can be on my balcony and, like, talk to them from it. So I've seen them too. So yeah.
Casey: This is not only for others to feel less alone by hearing your story, but this is also for you. What do you think you'll want to take out of this? What do you want to remember? If you were listening to this in the future, what would you want to reach forward and tell yourself about this time?
Candy: That it's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel all the feelings that you're feeling. Never, I guess, never complain about like, "I just feel so groggy and feel so . . . " That's okay. It's okay. We're in a pandemic. Like this is not the time to have to be like, "I have to put out five scripts, I have to be creative." You can just rest. You just rest.
Casey: It's funny that you give that advice to yourself, but it doesn't sound like you've been taking it.
Candy: Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's still weird because I feel like when it's to me I'm like, "Oh, create, create, create." But when someone's like, "Hey, can you get this video for me?" I'm like, "...No." I'm like, I'll create on my own time, when I feel like it, but I don't want to do your project. So I'm very selective, which I've never been before. I'm always like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." Always. I can never say no. And now in this like . . . You know what? That's what I'll take from it. I'm able to be able to choose what I think is really cool, what's passionate and what I feel about versus just saying yes to everything.
Casey: And you'll do that once we go back?
Candy: Absolutely. Absolutely. Because it feels good to be like, "No," without having to have this giant explanation, just like, "No, I don't want to."
Casey: I think that's good. Amazing. Anything else you want to share?
Candy: No, I think that's pretty much it. Doing okay, doing good. Resting. Taking my vitamins. Working out when I can.
