Hannah Craton
@hanny_pandy on her front mat.
-Theatre-
Dan and I were headed out for a full day of Memorial Weekend socially distanced grilling but I needed to make a quick stop first. Hannah was one of the absolute first people to jump on this project for me. I left Dan in the car and wandered up to Hannah’s landing. We sat to chat and parts of her story absolutely broke my heart. But through it all she seems to be staying positive which doesn’t surprise me in the least.
Also, that hair though. Some folks are having a hard time following my “be casually dressed” request in the shoot confirmation.
Interviewed 5.16.20
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Casey: So how are you?
Hannah: I'm OK. You know, I'm still working my day job which is good. I'm able to work from home. But it's been longer hours. I work in television. I'm working at a media agency. So something that you may not think about is how many sports events have been canceled.
So my clients are Hyundai and Kia. When you think about Hyundai and Kia commercials, they're all... Where are you seeing them the most? So we have sponsorships that are just sports-related. So that's required a lot of more effort on our part. So that's been occupying my time for the most part.
I was in the middle of the show when it went down and our show had to be canceled. I was doing Disaster at On Stage. We still got a weekend or two out of it, but we didn't get to have a full run.
So at first, I hadn't really settled in yet. And when it started setting in, I was like, “I need to do something creative, whether it be theater or something else to fill that time.” So I've been trying to find ways. Obviously, there's still auditions going on where you can send in self-tapes, but it's not... it's not the same.
I'm like, I'm auditioning for this show. Is this show gonna happen? I don't know...
But I'm OK. Otherwise, I've been cooking a lot. I started ordering Purple Carrot because I want to just try some healthy plant-based meals. So I've been doing that and that has been occupying my time. All the meals I've tried have been good. It's delicious.
Casey: How is your family doing? How do you think they're holding up?
Hannah: I think they're OK. I was talking to my dad about it [her grandfather’s passing]. He said you know, it wasn't that he passed - it was his dad - it wasn't that he passed. I mean, it was obviously sad, but I think what hurts more is that we do not have the support that we would normally have in situations like this. Obviously, you can still support people, via Zoom or via Facebook, or text or call, but that doesn't replace the human interaction that sometimes you crave and need in situations like that. So I think that's where everybody is struggling right now, including myself. I think that was the hardest.
Casey: Not being able to hug all your family?
Hannah: Yeah. Or not even being able to have a funeral where a lot of your loved ones can be there. And we had to have a very, very close-knit group because we didn't want to have more than 10 to 15 people there at the visitation. And when we had to do the sitting down portion of it, we all had to space out the chairs six feet apart. So it's just weird. It's just that's been the hardest thing, I think, for me and my family.
Casey: Do you think you have grieved for that experience fully?
Hannah: Yeah. I think, while that was really hard, it was the best. I'm glad that we did that versus trying to have a funeral anyway, because I think that was the safest way to handle things. And while it sucks, I know that this [covid] is not going to be here forever. And we just have to deal with the situations accordingly.
You know, it's not about me. It's not about my family. It's not just us. And I know there are other people around the world who had family members pass because of Covid-19, and that's even harder. So it's stuff where it's like, "Yes, it's hard. Yes, I've had to grieve that part of it. But it's an understanding of 'This, too shall pass.' kind of situation."
Casey: So you mentioned that you've been cooking. What else have you been doing in quarantine?
Hannah: So actually I've been collaborating with Essence to Crux Theatre. Those are two of my really good friends and we put together this lockdown showcase series.
So we actually just had the second episode interview last Wednesday. But we have artists submit auditions because we're trying to reach artists that maybe are not getting seen or weren't getting seen prior to. And we are putting together interviews via Zoom. And then they send us a pre-recorded performance of what they audition with. And then we include that in the video after the interviews. Giving them a platform to get seen. And also helping Essence to Crux get seen a little bit too, because they're a new theatre company.
They're awesome. It's all-female. They are a great group of people. And doing that is kind of, like I said, finding creative things to do that aren't necessarily performing. I also like producing. This is the first time I've ever hosted anything in my life. So that's been kind of fun. It's like working on my conversational skills a little bit but...
Casey: You're killing it today.
Hannah: I haven't talk to anyone in weeks! Yeah, that's been really keeping me going a little bit. We release episodes every Friday at 8pm.
Casey: So are you quarantining alone?
Hannah: I have a roommate. And I have one friend that I was seeing... We were carpooling with each other the entire time we were doing Disaster... So those are really the only people I've been seeing. And it hasn't been too bad. Again, Zoom calls and that kind of thing that I've been doing.
It's kind of scary. It's like we don't know how this spreads and when I go out and I’m wearing a mask and gloves, I just don't want to... Even if I am safe, like I'm pretty young, I don't want to spread it to somebody else.
Casey: So you talked a little bit about your wanting to do something creative and you're producing obviously and sadly your show that postponed and/or canceled. What other creating are you doing? Like have you found another outlet or are you like, "I can't" or...
Hannah: So it's a half and half. Everyone who knows me knows that I'm always busy. And something that this has really made me hyper-focus on is learning to be still and also learning who I am outside of theatre. Outside of just creating or just going to shows or just performing. While theater is a big part of my identity, I think this has been really good for me to find out… “OK, well, what if theatre isn't always there?” Because that's a reality right now. Unfortunately, Broadway's closed until September, could be closed longer than that. Finding things that make me happy outside of just theater. I'm gonna go kayaking on Sunday. That's a good way to stay away from people but still be out in the sun. That's just something I enjoy doing that doesn't require me creating. It's just me being a human.
As far as the creating side goes, I've been finding new songs to sing. And like posting covers of songs. I'll get on the piano sometimes and try to pluck out something. Finding new monologues, which is something I really didn't have a lot of time for because that's a long process. So I've had the time to sit down and read through some shows and find some stuff that I can use whenever we do get back up and running.
I think it's important for all of us to know who we are without theatre because it's not always there. That's not the point. I think it's having a well-rounded ability to pull out what you need when you need it. So I don't have theater right now. I have the showcase series, which is helping me creatively. But okay, that is a void that is a part of my life that I want to fill with something else positive. So what can I do right now in this situation? Also recognizing we all have had to learn how to be OK with ourselves. Because right now we are all that we have in some situations. So finding out what I like about myself, finding out what things I would maybe like to work on, and then working on those skills. I have a hard time being alone. Why is that? Getting down to the root of, "OK, well, maybe I can find things that I like to do by myself." That's just what I've been working on.
I think a problem, as an actor, you're very sometimes performance-based, task list based. So when you don't have a planner to plan out things cause you can't do anything or you don't have someone setting tasks for you to complete, you say, "OK, I've got to create my own" or “don't” or “be happy with what you're doing”. Don't feel like let's say, "oh, I completed that task. I'm a better person." Sometimes that's unhealthy. Sometimes I'd say, "You know what? I made my food today. And I went outside for 30 minutes. Did I workout? No. Did I lose weight today? No, but I did something." And I was telling my friend the other day, cause she's having a hard time too. There is no right way to quarantine. I mean, there's obviously guidelines.
But as far as being a human goes, as far as existing goes, we've never dealt with this before. So it's fine-tuning what works for you and not beating yourself up when you can't meet those goals all the time. Sometimes you just... Sometimes you're sad. Sometimes your social interaction deprived. And you want to lay in bed all day. And that's what your body needs in that moment. And you've got to accept that and not beat yourself up for it.
Casey: Being able to stop is really important. Especially Week 8.
Hannah: Isn't that crazy? That's crazy to me.
Casey: It's insane. What silly thing do you miss about life before?
Hannah: I miss so many things. So obviously outside of going to shows. I really do miss going to shows. That was something that was also a big part of my identity. I like going and seeing people perform…
I miss getting my nails done. I think that's just too close of a space. Even if they're open, I think that's too close of a space to be in right now.
I miss going and sitting in restaurants. I miss Mexican food. I miss like sitting around a table having margaritas with a friend and queso dip. I don't know, I miss having the ability to go to the aquarium or having the ability to go to the botanical gardens. Having an option to go do those things when you're bored. Cause now we're really bored. We don't have the option to go do those things now. So I miss that a lot.
Casey: What do you fill your boredom with? Is it mostly like, "I'm playing Animal Crossing. I'm just doing everything I can." Like when you say to yourself, "I'm bored." What do you usually lean towards doing?
Hannah: So I was very routine-based. Now my sleep schedules all kinds of wack. It doesn't feel centered. So whenever I'm feeling that boredom of like, "I feel kind of stuck in what I'm doing right now." I try to change it up a little bit or I try to be like, "Okay, at this time I'll do this, at this time I'll do this, at this time I'll go take a walk." And sometimes changing that up a little bit helps me.
I mean, obviously, I have to work regardless. I'm not complaining at all about that because I'm really lucky to have a job right now. And I took that job back in 2018 because I wanted the security and having that in case something ever fell through. I never thought something like this would happen. But having the security of a good job helps. So I'm very, very thankful. But I got promoted a week before this happened. So I don't know. I've had to learn how to do this job via FaceTime doing a share screen call. So I've been learning from my computer since March 17th.
I would 100% prefer doing it in an office. But obviously, that is not an option.
But I think it's made me stronger. One of my buyers told me… they were like, "You know what? This is such an insane situation to be in. Not only were you promoted a week before this happened, but also we're dealing with the hardest stuff we've had to deal with in this job. And you're going to come out of this being such a strong buyer in such a short amount of time because you're having all the things thrown at you at once.” So I think that's a good thing that's going to come from it.
Casey: Yeah, we're going to be able to do literally anything.
Hannah: That's what I was like! We're going to be so much stronger. Yeah, we're going to be much more prepared, I think, too because we've had to go through this, I think it's made us think about things that we never thought we would need to have.
Casey: You're so right. Do you have any sacred routines or places that you've discovered and built for yourself in quarantine that you want to take into the new world? Or habits?
Hannah: I have this journal and I can't remember who wrote it, but it's called 52 Lists of Happiness. And that's something I've picked back up again. Because I had it and I'd use it every once in a while. But I've been using it more.
Casey: What is it exactly?
Hannah: It just is a bunch of lists. And the first one, this is why I picked it up, it says, “List this many things that make you happy.” When I first picked it up and I looked at it, I wrote theater.
Blank.
And I was like, “Oh my God. Like, yes, theater makes me happy, but there has to be other things that make me happy. I need to find out what those things are!”
And honestly, it's made me rethink a lot of things because I think it's really easy in this kind of situation to get bogged down with negativity. Staying off Facebook has helped me a lot. It was already negative before. It's going to be negative after. So I think staying off social media a little less has been helpful.
Casey: Is there anything else you would want to share about your experience with this?
Hannah: I started this as, “I'm going to be the fittest person when I come out of this! I will be so in shape. I'ma do this, this and this.” And the reality is you don't have to be or do anything. Nobody is pressuring you or expecting that of you. The best thing you can do for yourself is be OK with yourself and forgive yourself.
Casey: What do you think you'll get out of this when we get out of quarantine?
Hannah: I think I'm gonna be stronger mentally. I think that's more important than anything else. If I come out being stronger physically, that's cool. But I think the biggest accomplishment for everybody in this will be to be stronger mentally and be cooler with ourselves and forgive ourselves more often. I think that's the most important thing for me right now.
