Megan Wartell
@megan.wartell in the breezeway of her old apartment building with her mask
-Theatre-
I was so excited to catch up with Megan. She has been one of the actors at the Atlanta Musical Theatre Festival with a big voice and to know she was linked in to what I was trying to do felt amazing. She also lived in one of my favorite parts of town which was a joy to drive through on a sunny spring day.
Her kitten greeted me from the door and we wandered down the hall to a quiet spot where we could feel the breeze.
Interviewed 5.15.20
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Megan: ...to find something that has worked, you know?
Casey: Yeah. I mean, it's something. No, it's something. And it's OK. I'm planning AMTF still. That's kind of weird because it's like, what are we gonna...
Megan: I feel like that's the biggest, crazy thing right now. I've been talking to a few people about it. And there are so many unknowns. Like, we don't know. We don't know if and when everything is going to go back to normal, and even when it goes back to normal, it won't be normal. It'll be a new normal. I was talking to a friend yesterday, and because I've not been able to submit for many auditions, I just haven't had the motivation. And she's like, "Yeah, I get it. It feels fruitless." And it's like, "Yeah. I'm submitting this audition for something that is supposedly going to happen in the fall, but who knows?"
Casey: Is it, though?
Megan: Exactly.
Casey: I get that. No, it's hard to find motivation to do anything.
Megan: It is.
Casey: So I just have a couple of questions. We'll just see where it takes us. No pressure. Oh, I also made this for you.
Megan: Oh my gosh! What is this?
Casey: Thank you for talking to me.
Megan: So cute! Thank you.
Casey: Yay, for bookmarks!
Megan: I love that.
Casey: You guys are doing such great things for me. So. So how are you, generally? I know that seems like kind of wide question, but .
Megan: Yeah. I feel like I am super thankful and super blessed to still have a job that I can go to. In that respect I feel OK and at peace, at least financially right now, which I know a lot of people do not feel that way. It's been heartbreaking to see so many of my friends trying to scramble and figure stuff out. So I'm really thankful, in that respect. And I think that has helped me a lot. But still, as someone who struggles with mental health already, anxiety and depression, I've definitely seen a lot of ups and downs. I'm just taking things one day at a time. Two days in a row I'll be great and I'll have motivation and I'll be getting stuff done and it feels great. And then there's like a week where I am super depressed and don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. And that is hard. Especially for our industry. It is hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I think that is really hard. Something came into my mind today that I thought was interesting. We throw so much out into the universe, like auditioning, and it's out of our control what we get back, for the most part. Our industry is largely composed of things that are out of our control, that we don't have in our hands. And now this, on top of that, is just more things. I was talking with my partner today, and it was like something silly, like we're supposed to go to a remote location where we'll sanitize everything next week for my birthday, but then we got a call that we're supposed to have a walk-through for our house on the exact day that we're supposed to be gone, and there was nothing we could do about it. And I lost it. Normally, that would be something that would be like, "OK. Well, we're gonna work through it," but it was just one more thing that I couldn't control. And it just wrecked me. So I just think that's interesting. I was thinking about it on my way home, that we already deal with that, and now there's just so much more. It can be unbearable at times.
Casey: Sure. Absolutely. That's hard. I had one of those days yesterday. Where normal things just set you off and you're like, "What am I even doing?" You're not alone. How's your partner? What does he do?
Megan: He's a software developer, so it's been really easy for him to transition to working from home. It's actually been better for him because he's like, "I don't have people annoying me with questions all day!" But he has had two separate weeks of unpaid furlough that his company did for everybody. It was staggered and stuff, but then he also just found out that a team that sat next to him all got laid off with no notice. So now he's like, "All right. Well, I guess I'm going to start reaching out to recruiters, just in case." So that caused him a lot of anxiety. And I am very much an empathetic person, so I took on his anxiety, too, and had several days of anxiety. But for the most part, I think we're both feeling very thankful that we have had jobs that we've been able to continue. But, I mean, it's been hard. I'm lucky that the family I nanny for, I'm able to go out of the house, do my thing there, and then come back. But he has been just in the house.
Casey: Is he there now?
Megan: Yeah.
Casey: Oh, poor baby!
Megan: He's been going out in the morning and just getting coffee. He's like, "That is the one thing I feel is keeping me sane." Just having that one thing that he does every day to get out of the house. And we'll try to go on a walk in the evening or something. But even for that he's had to force me out of the house sometimes. If I'm there for a few days on end I'm like, "Well, I'm just here."
Casey: Sure. How's the rest of your family doing? Do you get to talk to them or see them?
Megan: Yeah, they're doing Okay. I've seen both my mom and my grandparents; social-distancing, getting stuff for the move, and things like that. And they're doing OK. I know it's been really hard for my mom right now because she just lost her husband in July of last year. It was really bad. It was a sudden brain tumor, and literally within a month and a half.
Casey: How long were they married?
Megan: I think they were just about to be married for five years. So it was hard. And also my brother just left for basic military training. He went into the Air Force. So she went from having all these people in her home to...
Casey: No one.
Megan: Yeah. I'm really proud of her. She's been super strong through it all. I've been trying to call her and she's like, "I'm just reaching out to people." So she's doing OK, but I know that was hard for her; all of a sudden to be in this house, contained by herself, all the time.
Casey: Yeah. After such a tragedy.
Megan: Yeah, yeah.
Casey: Yeah. That's nuts. Oh my God. Well, it sounds like she's holding it together somehow.
Megan: Yeah she is. As for other family stuff, I just found out that my aunt, she's a nurse, but she had moved on from doing like practical nursing and was higher up in the company. I know she was working from home, but she went into the hospital with some gastro issues, and they tested her and she tested positive for Covid. So I've been keeping in touch with her. It seems like she's doing OK. But that was kind of...
Casey: Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
Megan: Close to home.
Casey: So that was last week?
Megan: Yeah. Yeah.
Casey: And she's still there?
Megan: Yeah. She and my uncle are just taking it easy. I haven't heard if they tested him or not. I'm assuming. I don't know. She's been kind of sparse with her replies, but as far as I know, she's doing okay. She's only told me and a couple other people. She's like, "I don't want to worry everyone." So it was kind of nuts.
Casey: Oh my gosh. Close to home. Well I'm glad she's supposedly feeling ok, though. That's great.
Megan: Yeah. Yeah. It's all just so nuts.
Casey: It's a lot. So I know you're nannying, but what else are you doing during quarantine? "Quarantine." You're still living your life. But what have you found that you're doing? Has anything changed? Or is it just *shrug*.
Megan: It's always been hard for me to set a schedule for myself when I'm not -- I feel like I've always thrived on being really busy and doing a lot of things all at once. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. And so when I find myself with a lot of unscheduled time, I have trouble disciplining myself to do stuff during that time. So it was really hard at the very beginning when everything shut down. And it was like, "Okay, I already knew that I struggled with this, and now I'm hit in the face with how much I want to be productive." I think for the first week I was doing pretty well, and then I just sunk into, "This is never gonna end." And now I feel like I've kind of leveled out. Been able to wake up earlier, for awhile I was having a lot of sleep issues. I think my body not knowing what time it is, what day it is, just threw me off. And then the anxiety on top of that. But I think that's regulated out a little bit. I'm finally able to wake up early and get some stuff done. I actually just got done with my first self-tape of the quarantine, today. Because I just haven't been able to... Like we were talking about, it feels fruitless and I just I don't know...
Casey: More so than normal.
Megan: And I just haven't wanted to.
Casey: Yeah.
Megan: For a lot of reasons, I just haven't wanted to, but I finally did that today. I'm finally starting to put myself out there again. I just signed up for an online tech help for actors, kind of thing; getting my website figured out. It's stuff I've wanted to do for a while, and now I obviously have more time to figure it out. So finally, I was able to kick myself in the butt and be like, "Okay!"
Casey: I can do it. I can do it!
Megan: I am going to do something with this.
Casey: Excellent. I love that. I mean, it's hard because you're right. There are things I've wanted to do for a long time, but then you don't have the motivation to do them, and you're like, "Hmm."
Megan: I feel like I've been comparing myself a lot to other people. Now that we don't see people, we're online a lot more and on social media, and I've always had issues with comparison on there. I think we all struggle with that, but seeing people posting videos of themselves singing songs that they love and doing all this stuff? And I'm like, "Why don't I feel like I want to do that? Or want put myself online with that?"
Casey: Ugh, you don't have to. Those videos are annoying. Don't be that person.
Megan: I've heard both things. Some people are inspired by it and some people are like, "Eh. Whatever."
Casey: Yeah. I don't have time.
Megan: It's just a weird time to be an artist.
Casey: If you live through it, you're going to be in a good place. I believe in you.
Megan: Thanks.
Casey: You have to root for each other. What's the point if we don't?
Megan: Yeah.
Casey: What silly things do you miss? Is there anything from the time before that you're like, "Crap, I really wish I could go do that right now?"
Megan: Yeah. Hmm.
Casey: I know, it's kind of an open-ended one. It could be something as silly as, "I miss going to Target. Or I miss seeing people."
Megan: Sometimes when I get really stressed out, I go and window shop at random stores. I love Target and T.J. Max and all the stores that have a bunch of stuff. A lot of times I put stuff in my cart and then I won't even end up buying anything. I just like picking out stuff that I like. And sometimes I'll treat myself. I miss doing that. I miss just walking around and looking at stuff.
Casey: Yeah. That is real.
Megan: And I miss playing games with people in person. We've been doing digital game nights, but it's not the same. I miss that.
Casey: Yeah. Virtual game nights are not quite the same.
Megan: It's not the same as being in the same room as someone and laughing with them and feeling their energy. That's another thing I miss in life in general, but also in performing; being with people and feeding off each other's energy. I did a virtual Spring Break Camp with The Alliance, and it was so much because we're not in the same room with the kids. I feel like they were so much more tired and lacking more energy than usual. As a teacher, you always have to be on and giving them energy, so they can give you back energy. But over the digital platform, we had to give so much more to get not quite as much back. It was just rough. And I think that's another reason why I haven't really wanted to do any digital performances or even submit audition tapes. I've never been one that likes self-tapes, even though that's like part of the job. I miss auditioning in person and feeling the energy.
Casey: No, I feel that.
Megan: I had another thought.
Casey: What do you miss?
Megan: Oh. Oh yeah. Feeling the energy is such a big part of being an artist, being an actor and a performer. There was one cool thing though, that did happen. I don't know if you know the game. It's a focus game where everyone closes their eyes and you have to count to 20 and everyone...
Casey: But you cant talk.
Megan: And everyone can only say one number.
Casey: And you have to start over if you say it at the same time.
Megan: Normally, we do that with the kids right before their big performance. And I was like, "How are we going to do this on a digital platform? There's no way." But we were like, "We'll just try it." So we tried it a ton of times and it was fail, fail, fail. We never got past five and we were just aiming for ten. And then I centered everyone. I was like, "Okay. Everyone just breathe in. Breathe out. Visualize yourself doing well." And then I was like, "Okay, let's try one more time." And we actually did it. I don't know how, because normally you feel the people breathing in and breathing out. It was a cool, random moment that felt like theater magic again, and I was like, "Oh. This was good for my soul."
Casey: When technology works.
Megan: Yeah. Yeah.
Casey: I freaking love that and the fact that it worked. Well, speaking of creating, are you creating at all? Other than self-tapes that you hate, are you making anything? Do you feel like you're being creative in quarantine? Why or why not?
Megan: I'm starting to want to be creative again. For a long time, just because it looked so different, it took myself a minute to recalibrate. And I feel like I'm having to be creative in different ways. I find myself taking a lot more pictures and I doing that tech class. I'm creating my brand, which I never enjoyed. I've done marketing before for other people and that's great, but creating a brand about myself has always been something that I never wanted to do. But it's actually been really fun; going back on Canva and things where I can make artistic things. And I'm like, "Oh, yeah. I am an artist. I like doing these creative things." So it's been good. I think getting back into my creative self again and reminding myself that that's what gives me life. I am a creator and I'm creative.
Casey: Yeah. No, it's hard to find the motivation. It's hard to find the positive.
Megan: Especially when everything feels so bleak. It's like. "Well, why? Why?"
Casey: And then one of my last questions here is, do you have, in this new time, any sort of sacred space or any sort of sacred ritual that you discovered and found here that you are going to take forward into the post-quarantine? In terms of habits or any sort of new joys?
Megan: Yeah. Let me think about that one.
Casey: Yeah, of course.
Megan: I don't know that it's necessarily new, but I have been on this new therapy journey with a new therapist. She's been really great. I feel like she's helped me uncover a lot of things that I've known about myself, but it's helping me put them in a new light. I feel like I've been learning how to give myself so much more grace and compassion, which is something that everyone needs, in general. But I feel like, especially during this time. I know a lot of people have been posting and stuff about how we are all going through a collective trauma. This is something that nobody could have predicted. Nobody really understands. There's new information coming out about it every single day. It's just this big unknown. And we're all going through this thing together. And I feel like we're all dealing with it in our own ways, and going through processes of grief and understanding. I just feel like it's so important for us to give each other grace, as well as giving ourself grace. That is actually something that I think is really beautiful about this time. I feel like I've seen a lot of people being a lot more gracious with other people and themselves. We all need that right now.
Casey: No, but I think that's good. Do you foresee yourself taking this maybe more thoughtful graciousness into your future? Do you see that being something you want to try to continue?
Megan: Yeah, definitely. I feel it's something that I've been trying to cultivate for a long time, and haven't maybe haven't had the space to because, like I said, I like to keep myself busy. So now, even though I feel like we're all being forced to, I've been forced to give myself space. But I feel like that might be something that I need, especially. And I think we all need. This is like Mother Nature's way of telling us all that we need to slow down and...
Casey: Literally everyone. Literally every person.
Megan: I feel like it's literally like the universe's way of saying, "Y'all just need to stop for a minute.
Casey: Yeah. It's too much.
Megan: And recalibrate and re-prioritize.
Casey: What would you say your overall emotion is about this whole thing? That's a hard one.
Megan: Yeah.
Casey: I don't know if I had one either, but.
Megan: I feel like it's hard because I've been going through so much of an emotional rollercoaster. At times, I'm thankful for this time to really be able to slow down and recenter my thinking, and I'm thankful for the space and the time. But then there's times where it's very bleak. And the news of shows starting to close on Broadway; Broadway has been closed for so long, and it's going to continue to be. And even though I'm obviously not on Broadway, it's the beacon of hope for our Industry. So, in that respect, sometimes it's felt bleak and like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. But I think overall I'm trying to remain hopeful. Hopeful that we're all going to come out of this. I'm hopeful that it has brought some awareness about things within ourselves, things within our culture that have needed improvement. And hopeful that our industry will continue. The show must go on. It will go on eventually. Maybe hopeful. Not always, but I would like to be.
Casey: You've got it. I'm sorry if I brought you down.
Megan: No, not at all.
Casey: It's kind of just life at this point, isn't it?
Megan: Exactly.
